in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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