Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize