I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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