im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
