Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
