It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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