Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
