First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
