just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
