She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
