I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
