Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
