So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
