You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
