Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
