the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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