My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
