this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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