A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
