They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
