apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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