i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
