new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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