I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
