Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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