got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
