Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
