Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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