worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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