Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
