I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
