My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
