The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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