and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
