is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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