So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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