Plan B is the new Plan A
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
