Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
