please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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