i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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