Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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