my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
