You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
