and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
