That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
