Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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