i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
