I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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