Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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