Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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