what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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