Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
