They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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