she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
