just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
