I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
