i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
