You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
