So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
