mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
