rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So many bounce houses so little time
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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