Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
